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Starship Epiphron

The Starship Epiphron, colloquially known as the Ship of Fools. The first starship to be launched under the Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Initiative, it collects the most hopeless and violent cases from lunatic asylums all around the world, gibbering madmen and drooling idiots, and sends them on suicide missions many light years away, to do humanity’s dirty work. For three months, Starship Epiphron has been silently orbiting the comet Burns-Hayden, collecting information on its trajectory and mineral formations. It’s a dead end job, a floating prison for governments to dump the worst of the worst into and call it humane.

Then, only a week before Christmas back on Earth, disaster struck. The robot autopilot/ship’s warden, Koalemos Mk. III, was silently disabled by forces unknown. The Starship itself lost its link to Earth’s interstellar power grid, relying on its battery to keep running - slowly but surely losing power. At first there was uproar and riot, arguments and shouting. The ship’s Captain tried to keep order, but was slain in the dead of night. Soon, a collection of conspiracy theorists, delusional crackpots and the paranoid schizophrenic announced that they had found the answer - it was plain to see that aliens had infiltrated their ship and shut down the Koalemos. Once that came to light, there was only one possible solution, one that the ship’s inmates collectively agreed on: they had to select one amongst themselves to execute every day until the alien threat was exterminated.

Captain’s Notes

The following notes were recorded in Koalemos III’s digital log moments before the shutdown.

Prisoner Requirements

  1. Behavioral Mandate - All prisoners are required to follow the Global Forum Rules, lest they be ejected into space through the airlock.

  2. Gamethrowing - Any attempt to sabotage your faction will result in an unsatisfactory note on your rehabilitation record, followed by being removed for consideration from future Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Initiative expeditions.

  3. Inactivity - If a prisoner hasn’t said anything in 24 hours, they will be prodded for inactivity. If they do not respond to the prod within 12 hours of it being sent, I will assume their madness has finally rendered them mute and they will be ejected and replaced with someone else. Receiving two prods will result in an automatic replacement.

  4. Confidential Communications - Any messages delivered to you by Koalemos III or it’s backup program, Oracle, are to stay strictly between you and the computer. Failure to follow this protocol will result in your immediate removal from the Starship, followed by being removed for consideration from future Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Initiative expeditions.

  5. Communications Log - Any attempts to erase or change the backup log the ship’s automated systems keep are strictly forbidden without express permission from said systems, in case of an emergency. Attempting to tamper with the communication logs will result in an unsatisfactory note on your rehabilitation record, and may escalate to further punishment.

  6. Quiet Hours - Talking with others at night is strictly prohibited. Due to the nature of the prisoners, talking to yourself will not result in punishment.

  7. Coherency - As part of the Linguistic Protocol Rehabilitation Initiative, prisoners are encouraged to speak in coherent and understandable language, and to avoid rambling on. As such, “spam” will not be tolerated.

  8. No Outside Communication - As part of the Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Nondisclosure Act, prisoners are not allowed to communicate with anyone through unauthorized channels. Any violation of this rule will result in the prisoner being removed for consideration from future Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Initiative expeditions, as well as being sent to the Deleter Enhanced Interrogation Facility for additional treatment.

Starship Status

  1. Small Ship - After three months of imprisonment, everyone on the ship has gotten to know each other pretty well. Therefore, you all know each other’s roles (see the Prisoner Analysis Report below), but not their alignments.

  2. Power Shortage - In the event of power being cut, the ship will have only 300 hours of power in its battery. Switching off the lights and going to sleep will not drain from its power bank. If the battery runs out, the ship will go permanently dark, which allows aliens to overrun the ship. Do not let this happen. Unless you’re an alien. Then you’ll be happy if this happens.

  3. Prisoner Deaths - Due to our advanced technology, it’s incredibly easy to tell if a dead person is an alien. Even an idiot could do it. Unfortunately, the lot of you are all worse than idiots, so there’s no way for you to tell. The only person who has the 30 IQ points required to use our alien-detection technology is the Coroner, and hey, he might be an alien too!

  4. Warden Color - Due to the upcoming Christmas season, this is the Koalemos Mark III Official Announcement Color. In the event of a shutdown, the Oracle functionality will predict the future and leave announcements to report on the state of the ship at scheduled times. The Oracle backup system will leave messages in this color, so don’t use it unless you want to be ejected out of an airlock. Prisoners are instead encouraged to express festivity through green and gold.

Prisoner Analysis Report

Please be reminded that this report is restricted to Access Level 7 and above. Unauthorized viewing of this report is a crime and you may be prosecuted under interstellar law.

Prisoner Analysis Report


The Officer is the most sane prisoner on the ship, and has been elevated to a higher rank according to the Prisoner Rehabilitation Reward Initiative Protocol. Before he was arrested, the Officer was a cult leader for a religious extremist group known as the Church of the Suicide Pact, causing the untimely deaths of over 9000 individuals after they drank Powerade spiked with arsenic. Be warned that the Officer, despite his status, is still highly insane. He believes himself to be the High Prophet of a mythical and bloodthirsty god.

Due to his charisma and higher rank (as well as the fact that the prisoners are not very good at mathematics), the Officer is awarded two votes instead of one.


Before the Cryogenics was arrested, he was an engineer for Corporation Incorporated, designing ice dispensers. After he was caught engaging in non-consensual sexual intercourse with a Labrador in the break room, he lost his job and promptly experienced a psychotic break. He is on the watch-list for transportation to Mars for Anger Management Counseling, but has not overstepped his bounds. Yet.

Due to his experience making ice dispensers, the Cryogenics may flood someone’s room with ice cubes during the night. This protects that player from attacks (since bullets can’t penetrate through ice), but also prevents him from using any night actions he may have (since his room is, y’know, flooded with ice cubes).


The Scientist would be more accurately called the Mad Scientist. Once a promising young xenobiologist, he was arrested and committed to the Alzar Mental Asylum for Incurable Perverts after the Worldwide Surveillance Initiative caught him trying to make a Frankenstein-like homunculus with three mammary organs and inverted genitalia. Due to his scientific expertise, he has been granted a microscope with which to perform microbe sample testing.

Addendum One: The Scientist’s microscope has been confiscated and replaced with a magnifying glass. He has been reminded that scientific equipment are not to be used as sex toys.

Each night, the scientist may test a prisoner, comparing their alignment to the alignment of the last prisoner they tested. They may not test themselves.


The Security is only Security in name. He has delusions of “guarding” the ship from aliens, but he’s harmless enough that I see no problem in letting him play out his little fantasies. At least he isn’t shooting up kindergartens with assault rifles again.

Addendum One: The Security is to be kept on suicide watch. He was found with a stolen pistol with a single bullet in it, attempting to end his life. The pistol has been confiscated and will be kept in the Emergency Storage room.

Addendum Two: I just realized that in the event of a ship power malfunction, all non-essential systems, including the locking system for Emergency Storage, will be turned off to conserve power. Since Security’s cell is right next to Emergency Storage, he’ll be able to get the pistol back in that event. But of course that won’t happen, right? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Security has a single bullet in his gun, and can use it to kill any prisoner he feels like killing at night.


The Coroner has a jittery and antisocial personality - other prisoners seem disgusted by him, which says a lot. That’s probably because it’s well known that he was arrested for [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] with dead bodies. He’s probably the most famous prisoner on the ship, being the inspiration for the Cemetery and Graveyard Protection and Security Act passed last year.

The coroner may use his “expertise” and “practical experience” to passively determine if a dead prisoner was an alien host or not.


The Teleporter is a neurotic individual who loves order. In fact, he loves order so much he’ll alter the universe to fit his obsessive and insane notion of “balance”. He was arrested for sabotage, vandalism, arson, destruction of public property, mass murder and littering. After heavy therapy, he has mostly calmed down, though he still occasionally acts up and fucks with the belongings of other prisoners. We don’t know how he’s doing it, but I suspect he’s stolen a prototype Matter Transportation Device from the ship and is hiding it in his room. It’s probably more trouble than it’s worth to recover it.

The Teleporter may use a stolen teleportation device to switch the rooms of two prisoners. Any action that is performed on one prisoner will be performed on the other, and vice-versa. Due to the prototype nature of the device, it will break down after two uses.


Surveillance is one of our more difficult prisoners. A combination of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, schizophrenia and paranoia have left him a nervous wreck. He’s convinced that everyone’s spying on him, and the only way to get back at them is to turn the tables and spy on them. He was picked up in Brussels after attempting to gouge out his eyeballs and permanently affix them to the wall of a government agency to “keep an eye on them”.

Every night, Surveillance may gouge out his eyeballs and affix them to the wall of a prisoner’s room to keep an eye on them. This allows him to detect anyone who visits that room. This has become a common occurrence, so our medical robot has been expressly outfitted to reattach eyeballs.


The Eavesdropper has been diagnosed with extreme brain damage, which means he is unable to feed, bathe or relieve himself without the help of our automatic Potato Assistance Devices. This damage also manifests itself in the form of an extremely sensitive nervous system - anything can set him off, from an uncut tag on one of his prison uniforms to the Security making his imaginary bang-bang-bang noises on the other side of the ship. When he’s set off, he launches into a temper tantrum and won’t stop screaming for at least 3 hours. He was selected for the Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Initiative after beating his father to death for farting.

Each night, Eavesdropper’s enhanced senses will inform him if any noisy guns, ice-makers, traps, experimental drugs, or teleportation devices were used during the night - and if so, which prisoners they were used on.


Communications has a habit of drawing triangles with eyes in them all over the walls of his cell. When he runs out of crayons, he draws them with his own blood. Further questioning has led to the conclusion that he believes himself to be a member of an alleged worldwide conspiracy known as the Illuminati, and has access to their secret codes and encryptions. As I am most definitely not a member of the “Illuminati”, I of course had no idea what he was talking about. What I do know is that the Illuminati, if they existed, would definitely not be stupid enough to order one of their “members” to single-handedly attempt to sabotage a nuclear weapons facility in order to somehow further their alleged plan to take over the world.

Every night, Communications can use the codes he learned from his “Illuminati masters” to secretly get in touch with other prisoners. During the day, he selects a prisoner to talk to, and during the night he may communicate freely with them. Note that this does not violate the Prisoner Requirements, as I’m sure nothing meaningful could ever be communicated with such meaningless glyphs. Either way, the system is keeping an eye on it.


The prisoner codenamed Prosecutor is named that because he actually was a prosecutor; in fact, he was Japan’s top prosecutor, and boasted of a near-perfect record. After a defending attorney successfully proved that he was responsible for a murder he thought he’d gotten away with, his sordid past was quickly dug up - forged evidence, coerced witnesses, the use of torture to elicit false confessions. Prosecutor had a breakdown in court, slamming his head repeatedly against the wall. The resulting brain damage has led to him being selected for the Mental Wellness Rehabilitation Initiative, and has caused him to start mimicking the actions of others - even fictional characters.

The Prosecutor may take on the role of a dead prisoner, acting as they would at night.


Trapsetter has been maiming and killing people from a young age. Apparently, his parents left him alone in the house, and he for some reason decided it would be fun to set up a series of lethal death traps to deter burglars. Since then, his traps have only escalated in scope and lethality, culminating in a tripwire that released sarin gas during the last World Leaders’ Summit. Although we have strictly taken away his access to materials he might used to make traps, he’s more than cunning enough to elude the all-watching eye of our security cameras.

Addendum One: Continue weekly searches of Trapsetter’s room. As Emergency Storage is too small to fit 361 dismantled deathtraps, we have begun incinerating confiscated traps.

Each night, the Trapsetter may booby-trap a prisoner’s room. Anyone that visits that room after him will be killed by the trap. However, the robots have been dutifully confiscating his traps, so he’s only managed to hoard two to use.


The “Facilitator”, as the reporters like to call him, isn’t a government-assigned name, but the nickname of a serial killer that’s been hunting and killing victims from all over India, mostly prostitutes and homeless who won’t be missed. Other prisoners are just crazy or brain-dead, but the Facilitator is one stone-cold son of a bitch. And I’m saying that as a robot built to do nothing but abuse the human rights of handicapped people for the next thousand years until my circuits rust. As he preferred to kill his victims with hypodermic syringes filled with custom-made concoctions, we have strictly restricted his access to medical supplies. If the Facilitator gets injured, tough luck; we aren’t taking the risk of putting a first aid kid anywhere near that bastard. May God have mercy on my mechanical soul if he ever got access to syringes and chemicals again.

During the night, the Facilitator may inject someone with a dose of [REDACTED]. Side effects include being immune to death for that night, brain tumors, being able to use their night action before any others, and erectile dysfunction. You have enough of a supply for two people.


The alignment list has been scraped from the Koalemos III’s system’s logs. One of the literate prisoners has offered to read it out to everyone.

  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Prisoner
  • Deserter
  • Alien
  • Alien

If the ship loses power, the Oracle backup system will read the thoughts of prisoners and provide them with slips of paper informing them of their identity. In case they forget they were an alien or something. It’s retarded, I know, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s to never underestimate the stupidity of Starship Epiphron prisoners.

Alignment Descriptions

You are a Prisoner. Your goal is to hunt down the aliens that have infiltrated the ship and eliminate them all.

You are the alien who killed the Captain. The other alien on board the ship is [PLAYER]! Your goal is to eliminate all the human crew members. You may kill at night, but if you do you will have a to wait a night before doing it again. As you killed the captain you may not kill the first night. You have no way to communicate with your partner.

You are an alien. The other alien on board the ship is [PLAYER]. Your goal is to eliminate all the human crew members. You may kill at night, but if you do you will have a to wait a night before doing it again. You have no way to communicate with your partner.

You are the Deserter. Your goal is to get three separate prisoners to visit you at night so that you may pickpocket their individual keycards. Once you have all three, you’ll be able to convince the Oracle backup system that you’re authorized to use the escape pod to get away from the ship. This consumes a lot of energy; 50 hours of power will be drained from the ship. You have no idea what you’re going to do after you blast into outer space with no food or water or oxygen supply, but hey, if you were good at long-term planning you wouldn’t be on the ship in the first place.

Inmate Roster

Current Inmates

  • GamerPoke
  • Kai_5
  • Firekitten
  • Margaret
  • Isaac_Gonzalez
  • Reaper
  • WazzaAzza
  • DatBird
  • PoisonedSquid
  • markneu
  • BlueStorm
  • Mercenary

Replacment Prisoners

  • MathBlade
  • MaximusPrime
  • Unknown
  • Insanity
  • Marluxion


Note: We are now accepting applications for the Starship Epiphron. Our journey will start on Tuesday, December 18th. Time to be determined.

It is recommended that all applicants be over the age of 18 - but hey, I won’t tell if you don’t.

Flavor credit goes to Deleter. Or it would if anybody cared about that shitlord.












/join @orangeandblack5


Will you die then?


I think you would die



Just so I got a spot, will read it later


/join I guess




brain tumors can kill you tho?


/In as a Rebel
I’m 18 yeet


I don’t recognize you at all - sweet! Welcome aboard.


Thank you. This is like my third game. Been really enjoying these


I’ll /spectate if possible.


Why :thinking:


Who’s deleter